Netti. Auckland, NZ

When I look in the mirror; I see my thick thighs, big butt, boobs and small waist and think…actually I’m okay. 

Sometimes I think maybe I should go on a diet and then five minutes later I’m like nah. If I’m honest I want to lose weight because not enough clothes are in my size! Never because I think I look ugly. I feel lighter than ever, which is weird because I’m heavier than I’ve ever been!. But I don’t feel like that. 

I also went through a phase worrying about my pimples. I was like I am the pimples now. They should be looking at my tits and my arse but my pimples are in the way!

I’ve always been insecure about the colour of my skin. I’ve always felt  it (my skin) was like a dirty brown. I wanted it to be that golden colour everyone desires. In Samoa light skin is considered pretty. We were told to keep out of the sun because that would make us darker. 

I have memories with my family at the beach where I had to be very covered up. Hoodies, board shorts to my knees...that sort of thing. The sun would be boiling and we’d have hoodies on. Now I’m just like fuck that. I had to hide any hint of sexuality and was always reminded that my virginity is special. I could never wear something that shows my tits like I wear now.

Growing up was quite strict and religious. I wasn’t allowed to have sexual needs or feelings at all. Being able to look a guy in the eyes was difficult for me. If I would look at a boy in the eyes my parents would ask if I wanted to marry him? As a daughter of immigrants I feel I have two different worlds. The traditional Samoan world that I grew up in and then the New Zealand western world. I’ve had to balance where I stand. 

Now I’m free of all those insecurities. I just embrace how I look. I embrace my skin so hard now because I feel so bad for the old me who didn’t enjoy her life because of something so miniscule.